0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2025-03-11 03:42 pm
Entry tags:

A/C unit restart

Today, I set the A/C back in the window. Stuffed the holes with high density foam and turned it to 70. Something about A/Cs calm me down, uplift me, put me in the mood to listen to nightcore techno dreamtrance stuff uploaded 18~15 years ago when I was in middleschool, reading Higurashi and drawing on my skin with ink markers and pens. My friend Shelby and I loved club music, fantasized about what we'd do when we were free of our neglectful abusive authoritarian parents. We loved Japanese culture and learning about it- when she tried to take Japanese in high school, however... she faltered. She believed she was incapable of learning it- but I believe the issue was more in the education program itself. She's intelligent and capable of learning, contrary to how she'd talk about herself.

Ouch, that hurt more to talk about than I realized. I hope she's doing well.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-10-16 02:45 pm

(no subject)

wow, i kinda love life right now. i'm taking art classes, smoking weed, living comfortably. I have orange fairy lights hanging up and a star projector and plastic glow stars, i'm crafting and just finished making a headband for myself to hold back my hair, i have elf ears, and i have my art hanging from my wall. i look at the charcole angel and skulls still life i did and it feels surreal thinking that i made that. its really beautiful.
I am a capable artist.
I have three cats. My computer works, and runs beautifully. i have tons of kandi cuffs I made, and I live in the North now, which is what I always wanted growing up. My birthday is soon and I have a giant dog bed on the way which will be delivered during my birthday week. I have makeup that I like, and I've had top surgery, and my facial surgery is in two months and one day.
Things are beautiful now. I'm safe. I have friends. I have the love of my life. I am a witch and a theistic Satanist. Ave Satanas, I am safe.

two years ago this would have felt eternally far away and improbable, I thought I might be just going insane, bt its all come true. the intuitions, the words I heard from my spiritual family, it was true.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-10-13 09:59 pm

(no subject)

facial surgery in December, thank fuck thank fuck. ive wanted this so long...
just about 2 more months.

my art classes are going alright- i expect my grades will lift quite significantly now that i finally have the required supplies.

sitting in bed next to the newest member of our kitty family; a kitten about 6-7 months named rice.
oh shit i need to take my meds
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-10-13 09:46 pm

(no subject)

what's with this energy, anyways? are you looking for me? are you posessed by the energy of 'i must find this person, even though i have mixed at best feelings about them'
i thought that time in witchcraft and learning such things would distance me from what i percieved as delusions of that time- that your energy was near me until it wasn't- i thought it was sheerly wishful thinking affecting reality in a way that deeply impacted me.
i had no desire to think of you, so why are you back in my peripheries, fighting into focus?

ive been advised by my deities to keep my distance from your energy for the time being. that is; i should not deliberately reach out towards you in any manner.
thats why this is so stark to me.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-10-13 09:44 pm

(no subject)

nearly my 28th birthday. i decided to spend a bit of money on myself this year and ordered a giant dog bed. it should get here on my birthday week, i'm quite excited.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-10-13 09:38 pm
Entry tags:

another dream

another dream of you a couple nights ago,
you were mad at me, i apologized and emphasize i didnt intend to end up near you- i just hadn't noticed. you were uncomfortable nonetheless, and nothing i did seem to make it better, so i left. you were with someone else whos company you preferred.
i woke up
and your energy followed me after i woke. i went to the art supply store, i came home, as if you were observing me, riding along in the car with me.
does it unsettle you that you think of me too? the letters on the screen move as i type, shifting between each other.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-09-20 12:14 am

(no subject)

i made a second life profile, i really like the kind of expression this enables and i feel like i understand the talk of the 'online self' more. i'll spend a bit of money to get some better avatar options, but the cruxes are really enjoyable and cute as well. I've been mixing and matching aspects.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-09-04 12:41 pm
0cosmicgorefox0: (NiGHTS)
2024-09-04 12:30 pm
Entry tags:

drank coffee. coffee didnt work.

im waking up to ashe and dust i go to sleep
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-09-04 12:11 pm
Entry tags:

dream journal 9/4/2024

dream last night

someone was trying to get me to do something. bright colors, anxious excitement
rushing down the waterfall of content, i wrote words that someone else replied to in good spirit. they liked what i said and we became friends. i looked back on what i wrote, someone else misinterpretted it and told them that we shouldn't be friends, which they dismissed without much thought.
reminds me of daydream, now that i think about it.
i replied to them. they said something and i said something back... i remember there was an image involved, i looked at it, written as if in water, and me, traversing the water watched as it rose past me and i was pushed by the rapids around a curve.
you didnt know me before but you decided to take me on after that, thank you.

i was completing something for someone, doing something for them, possibly related to their ass.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-01-03 02:53 pm
Entry tags:

1/3/2024, Life proceeds

I'm doing more for myself in school than my parents ever tried to do for me.
I suppose that comes with the territory of recovering and learning self-advocacy.
I've arranged for a meetings with the college disability office for accomodations to make next semester and onwards a bit easier.

I'm on seroquel to help with the anxiety of today's stress's, which has included reapplying to my school under a different degree program to work around the financial aid required-credit system, reapplying for financial aid for next semester- an application which I'll have to recheck, as in my anxious rush to get things done, I may have overlooked something. I'm concerned I did, at least. Better safe than sorry with these government documents.

Top surgery is yet another day closer. It cannot come soon enough, regardless of the trouble it's caused me in organizing my classes this semester.

I'm glad to have the support of my advisory and mental health team. Stressful as this may be, I feel that I am doing what is good for me. It feels stabilizing- to take control of my life.

I worry about my little cat. She's my emotional support animal, but I think she may need her own emotional support friend. It makes sense- animals prefer to have a friend to go home with. Many animals people keep as pets are very social, and it's kindest to bring them home with a buddy of the same species.
She needs another kitty she can groom and cuddle with. I want to make that happen soon, but I need to be a little more financially stable, first.
I can make this work.

The more i recover, the more I see that the shallow attempts of my birth parents to set me up for success were largely projections of their feelings and moral decisions onto me, without room for interpretation. It damaged me. I want to be better, and I will be better. I think that I am better, now, than I have been in the past. And I want to keep going- to continue.
Difficult as it may be, it's worth it to keep living.

It is an hour later from when I started this journal entry, as of writing. I have met with the disability resource center and found it blissfully easier than I worried to get accommodations, although some require a letter from my therapisit affirming certain diagnosises. I'm not concerned, particularly. My therapist is good and works with me quite well.
And life continues :]

See you later
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2024-01-02 04:15 pm

School and gap months...

Well, it has been a while isn't it? I don't want to abandon this journal, just because so much has changed. In fact, I ought to continue. I owe it to my past self, to show that we persisted, even though it was difficult.

I finished my first semester back at school- I took two heavy classes, microbiology and general anatomy/physiology. I passed both with A's. I feel very proud of myself for managing this achieviment after being out of school for years. I have had a home again for a full year, and we are going on year two. This year feels that it will have a lot in store.
January has been a bit anxiety inducing as my student loans have run dry, but my partner has gotten a job that he can swing even with his disabilities, albeit sparingly. It's going well, and I'm proud of him.

I have top surgery on March first of this year. Two months, almost exactly. Each day, another step taken, a steady forward pace set by time.
I don't know how to say, really, how much a relief it is that I've gotten to this point in my life. I'm alive. I'm far from where i was born, the opposite side of the country, in fact, and continuing still in the near future. In the next five years, I aim to make my next move.
So much is happening, and I take it one step at a time. One breath at a time.

I have had presurgery jitters. Fortunately, I've been able to find information from other transgender men online about this- it's quite normal to have anxieties, like if you've chosen the right surgeon, if things will really go well, etc. But my surgeon is good and experienced, and things will go well. Few people regret their gender confirmation surgeries.
If you see a source claiming otherwise, they got it from a transphobic source. post surgery regret is staggaringly low among trans folks. I hope this is encouraging to trans youth reading this, should that ever happen.

I will not miss my breasts. I wear my chest binder as I type this. I'm not sure what I will do with them- maybe I could donate them. Maybe my college campus has a queer closet or something of that sort. I'll have to investigate.

My partner had an interesting point that he communicated with me recently. Sometimes, it's not enough to just say, 'you're safe.' after relying on that phrase almost excessively, it's nearly lost it's meaning and feels foreboding in itself. But this, this one feels better: I am in control of this situation. What this means is, I am in my home. It is my home, and no one has the power to remove me. There is no one else we share this space with who could harm us or punch down at us, because we are the sole residents of this space. We are safe, yes, and critically, we are in control of this space and ourselves.
It is that control that had been held over our heads in the abusive situations we had found ourselves in that I am now reclaiming. I feel that a large part of this reclaimation will be my affirmation surgeries.

As an aside, I wonder why it's so... stigmatized, medically, to seek other forms of alterative surgery. I would give nearly anything to get my ears pointed elf style, but it's almost never done, and only performed by very few 'body modifiers.' Why not incorporate that into the sphere of plastic surgery and make it safe for those who would want to pursue it? It's no more dangerous than changing the shape of one's nose except that people are forced to seek it out from non-proffesionals who can not legally use anesthetics that a surgeon would have access to. And yet, there are countries who have such modifications simply outlawed or otherwise prohibited.
It seems absurd to me. People say that capitalism will provide so long as there is a desire or need or niche for that product, but the very same people treat those who desire to change their body as they see fit very poorly.
One of the many things I hold in disdain about these folks.

None the less. I had an appointment with my academic advisor today that went well. I have two appointments tomorrow, and one the day after- various therapy, psychiatric, and academic appointments, all to ensure that my next semester will go well. Even if this month is a bit of a struggle, I have resources to get through it just fine, and even a kind friend who gifted me money for the new year. I accept this good fortune with gratitude, and I continue moving forward.

What will life bring next? I have more excitement now than ever. The anxiety lingers, still, but not nearly so present anymore since I've been housed again, under my own lease, my own name, sharing space with my loving partner and sweet little cat.

I wish you well, and I hope to see you again soon :)
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2023-05-08 08:46 am

The discomfort of honest feelings

I haven't dreamt of you in a terribly long time. Sometimes, I remember you. I become angry, and my heart devours itself with grief, pain, and sadness.

This dream was different.
The hesitant creak of an old door, cracking open tentatively, cautiously, with great trust I wouldn't have anticipated coming from you.
What has changed, that in this dream, you've begun being kind towards me again?

You were not good to me either, you know.
Though, whether it was reasonable reaction, or cruelty in excess, escapes me.
Is it because we were young, without regard?
I was full of wounds, Bleeding through my teeth while smiling at you.

Why did I have a dream where you were kind towards me?
My heart is breaking.
Where are you now? What changed last night?

I had been content without thinking of you. But your kindness in that dream drew attention to this painful scar.
What changed?
Who are you, now?
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2023-05-08 08:42 am
Entry tags:

Viscera of your heart

The discomfort of honest feelings that you simply can't polish into something nicer...

I had such an interesting dream last night.
0cosmicgorefox0: (NiGHTS)
2022-04-11 10:06 am

nice day

gave someone self care resources on twitter
learning how to make patterns for kandi! ive just kinda been winging it, but i woke up with a flash of inspiration, likely an idea from a non physical friend. thank you <3 dearly.
I want to figure out how to pattern it. ive been trying based on what i remember but i keep getting caught on small details.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2022-03-30 01:58 pm

Smoking...

Listening to music, smoking, making kandi cuffs... I'm creating. I have the feeling of an overlaying sense of calm. I have the feeling of a pain and the feeling of sadness I feel deep in its core.
I am not my emotions
I take a deep breath and get unstuck from these emotions
I experience these emotions as a wave coming and going.
I am not my emotions.
it's okay that I have had these emotions. The signal important things. And sometimes, the way they signal reflects a reality we no longer live.
Practicing respecting and radically accepting these emotions. Its okay. They're okay.
If I don't do this right, will they resurge?
I have the feeling of anxiety. It's okay. I'm allowed to breathe and move along with the flow of my current reality
I release.
I step back and get unstuck from the emotion.
I observe the emotion as a wave coming and going.
I do not try to increase emotion
k do not try to keep emotion around
I try not to push emotion away
I try not to hide emotuon
I practice willingness with my emotion
Like a wave
I have the feeling of pressure-I notice it in my skull, under my tongue, in my eyes over my skull.
I syeo back. I get unstuck from these emotions.
It's okay that I have these emotions, and I am not in a position where I am being pressured to do something.
It's okay. We aren't being pressured to act in ways we can't. I don't have to do what I'm not able to, and I can change my activity at leisure. We can change our activity at leisure. We aren't under pressure to do what we can't.
We can release.
We step back
I step back and get unstuck
And allow emotion to pass like a wave
Do not try to keep emotion around
Do not try to increase emotion
do not try to stop emotion
It's okay.
I'm okay.
You and I are okay.
I know. It's just scary.
it's okay that it's scary.
no one will hurt you, and no one will hurt you for feeling scared.
I love you.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2022-03-14 03:48 pm

much done

productive day, and im glad for it.
our boyfriend mucked the cria area, and we filled their water.
i've eaten breakfast and a late lunch
doctor's appointment soon
i want to get on anti anxiety meds, but this is primarily to continue our hrt. i need to sign some release forms.
the plants have recieved care as well. and...
next, cat litter. and get some pics.
feels good.
i want to exersize before the end of the day. i feel like i can swing that pretty easy right now. if i keep giving myself a good amount of food and keep doing self care, ill have the energy for it. i bee leaf in us <3
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2022-03-02 09:28 pm

Smiling at me

But your intentions are deeply unclear and indicate a something of a problem for my newfound sense of peace.
forgive me if I don't believe your smile, but your current associations are troubling. Why are you spending time with the people who nearly tore this place apart and you along with it? What game is this? I don't trust you not to convey information. Don't talk about me. I can't control what you do nor the version of me that live in your head. Your perceptions based off something unknown to me, a world view, a bad faith liberalism applied to understanding an individual. I don't want you to talk about me. If you choose to, it's a broken understanding. I'm tired of being infantilized.
You cannot exert control over me. I will deny you. And I have people who will help protect me as I do.

I WAS RIGHT. I WAS RIGHT. I WAS RIGHT. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
STOP FUCKING SPYING ON ME. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME. YOU DON'T FUCKIN KNOW ME. STOP PRETENDING TO.
0cosmicgorefox0: (Default)
2022-02-26 08:12 am

Butterflies and sunlight

I'm happy I'm here.
breathing clearly. Sunlight streaming in. Coffee and smoke taste, and a warm fluffy couch bed in which I can stretch my legs. I put lotion on my arms this morning to prevent cracking from the dry atmosphere. Things are so beautiful all the time here. Even when it hurts, it manages to be safe.